Something strange has happened this week. Having made up my mind to do some things I really didn't want to do, I now feel a huge sense of relief. Sad too, but also that I can cope with the next few days at least. There is some anger too, read on. I think I have reached a plateau of wisdom where I can work to change what can be changed and to fret and agonize less about what is in the past and about the things over which I do not, and never will have any control.
Even the fact that my estranged husband decided he was too tired to come to an arranged meeting on Wednesday about the house re-possession didn't wind me up as much as it might have done. He claimed he'd had a 13 hour day, and a major virus attack on the computer systems he works with. Maybe it's not true, but I can't prove it or force him to come. Or maybe I am just too tired to worry any more.
By the time this is posted he'll have an email telling him the same things, but basically I've decided to cash in the last of my savings so that I can stay in the house for a few more months and sell it myself rather than let those crooks at Derbyshire Home Loans repossess and sell it at some ridiculously low price. I would never forgive myself, not to mention not having a roof over my head.
And the second thing, I stood across the road from the estate agents for several long agonising minutes before getting the courage to go in there and start the selling process. Well, half start it anyway. We talked about these stupid Home Information packs that UK house sellers have to have, and what the market had done since 2004 and whether the house had a chance to sell in this horribly depressed market. I wanted to do two things before I actually put the for sale sign up. Firstly to tell John, and secondly to have a chance to clean and tidy up before the agent comes round to do an appraisal.
My car is kaput at the moment, engineer coming tomorrow, so I was on 'Shanks pony' home after a nice latte and a pastry in Caffe Nero. I was exhausted when I got indoors. It's not a long walk, 20 minutes with a footbridge across the A27 thrown in, lots of steps or a long ramp, but I've got some knee damage and I'm definitely not fit.
Before all that, I had gone through a 2 hour heart wringing session with my psychiatrist Last night was a journey through the darkest suicidal feelings I have ever experienced. Before, it has always been a 'cry for help' when the thoughts about how and where have been mixed with the idea of how I might be rescued or saved at the last moment and that John would come back. This was very different. I just made up my mind that it was time, I was totally at the end of my rope and that I no longer want to be found or saved. If the car had not been broken and I couldn't drive to the beach and do what I was thinking about I might well not be here telling you about it. The strange thing was that I was also still thinking about the future and lots of 'what ifs'.
Sib took me and picked me up from Parkway. He's got a mystery shop to do on a pub with expenses for food tomorrow, and he's asked me along so I won't have to worry about cooking. I've had home-made soup for dinner and a sandwich made with the lovely French-style crusty bread I bought this afternoon.
Rachel (my doctor at Parkway) helped me to make a sort of plan for what I would do so I didn't repeat last night. We also talked about the events that led up to John leaving, and the still very sore feelings of betrayal, not just by him, but also by the person who used to be my best friend and her daughter who I believe was having an affair with John, and also by John's Mum who apparently knew what was going on, even right back to when we were on holiday in the USA 3 months before he left.
Rene never wanted us to get married in the first place. She wants grandchildren and that was more important to her than her son being able to choose who he married regardless of age and fertility. She also never understood the special friendship I have with Sib who I was married to before John, for 19 years. We will never be a couple in that sense again, but we've known each other since our teens and at school and you can't just wipe that out. I thought John understood, but maybe he never really did or perhaps I made him feel excluded somehow.
I got over to Rachel too, how much I still feel so angry that John punished me for being ill with the thyroid problem, wanting to believe I didn't love him and refusing to accept the medical evidence, but also that I was sad and guilty I couldn't support him more when he was depressed by events at work, and traumatised by the car accident he had, and needed me to understand.
So there it is. I have a little more work to do on the other blog post I started earlier about my favourite soup recipes and I have to compose the email to John. Then I can go to bed and I do believe that I will sleep.
Today, being the 3-year anniversary of John leaving could have been really difficult, but the decisions I made earlier in the week have made a lot of difference. I have negotiated a deal with the mortgage lender, the repo is cancelled and I've had two good nights sleep.
Sib and I went for our pub curry last night, not the nicest JDW we've been in, and we de-camped back to Havant for another drink. Someone I know who also knows John was in the pub, she scowled at me, then got texting. Well, Mrs Nosey, if you WERE texting him, tough, because he already knew who I was going to be with last night.
Car guy was supposed to come back today and take 'Lily' away for a service and some TLC, but he didn't turn up. Don't know why. Sib gave me a lift to Chichester today to do a mystery shop and quick supermarket stop.
John is supposed to be at the sailing club tonight. I'll have to walk there, but it's only about 10 mins. I don't want a fight with him, and I don't think it will go that way. I'm doing what he wants as far as the house is concerned.
I'd better go and get something warming to eat....weather is supposed to warm up over the w/end but hasn't yet.